The Hidden Wounds: Understanding Exiles in IFS

Ever had a small comment sting way more than it should? Or found yourself reacting big to something minor? That might be an exile at work.

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), exiles are the parts of us that carry old wounds—pain, fear, shame, or sadness that we didn’t know how to handle when we were younger. Since those feelings were too much at the time, our system “exiled” them, tucking them away to keep us functioning.

But exiles don’t just disappear. They wait. And when something in the present reminds them of an old hurt, they push their way forward, often flooding us with emotions we don’t fully understand.

Signs an exile is activated:

🔹 Feeling deeply hurt by something small

🔹 Overwhelming sadness, shame, or insecurity

🔹 A sense of being young in the moment

🔹 Wanting to hide, disappear, or be rescued

Because exile pain feels so raw, our other parts (like managers and firefighters) work overtime to keep them locked away. But here’s the truth: Exiles don’t need to be pushed down. They need to be heard.

Instead of trying to “fix” or silence an exile, try this:

❇️Pause and notice what you’re feeling.

❇️ Imagine gently turning toward the part of you that’s hurting.

❇️ Ask it, What do you need from me right now?

With time and care, exiles can heal. And when they do, they transform—bringing back lost joy, creativity, and tenderness that was buried along with the pain.

Your exiles aren’t here to ruin your life. They just want to know they’re not alone anymore. 💜