The Ones Keeping It Together: Understanding Managers in IFS

If you’ve ever felt the need to plan everything, avoid conflict at all costs, or get stuck in a cycle of self-criticism, you’ve met a manager.

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), managers are the parts of us that try to keep life under control. Their mission? Prevent pain. Keep exiles locked away. Maintain order. And they’re very good at their jobs.

Managers show up in all kinds of ways:

🔹 The Perfectionist – “If I do everything just right, nothing bad will happen.”

🔹 The People-Pleaser – “If everyone likes me, I’ll be safe.”

🔹 The Overthinker – “If I analyze this enough, I can avoid making a mistake.”

At first glance, managers seem like the responsible adults in the room. But underneath their strategies is fear—the fear that if they stop managing, an old, exiled wound will come rushing back.

How to work with a manager part:

✴️Instead of resisting, get curious. (“Hey, I see you’re working hard to keep things together. What are you afraid might happen if you didn’t?”)

✴️ Offer reassurance. (“I appreciate what you’re doing, but I’m here now. We can handle this differently.”)

✴️ See if it’s willing to take a small step back and let you lead.

When managers feel safe enough to relax, they don’t disappear—they shift into supportive roles, offering wisdom and guidance instead of running the whole show. And that’s when life starts to feel a little lighter. 😊